your lack of faith

i am content to just sit and stare and-

no, i lie.

i am NOT content to just sit and stare.
but i feel so effing worthless, it's all i can do.
it's just... all i do.

no longer with it

i had an insanely bad nap this afternoon.
i think the stress is getting to me.
i cannot be bothered to punctuate properly.

am wondering if i should spare you the details of my dream.
i think not.

cover your eyes, melissa.


the outside of my house is the one in pujut, miri. the inside, is that of the one over here, only more hotel-like (down lights in bathrooms, marble everywhere, etc).

apparently my family has just moved back to pujut, and i have this old neighbour who happens to be the blonde girl with curly hair from the new 90210. the looks, and the attitude that goes with it. she's like a dictator, making us do things with her that we really don't want to do, and to avoid her, sam and i had to crawl around the house in the dark, cause if we turned on the lights, she'd see us from outside. this happened for a very long time.

now that i think about it, it was very creepy. and very horrible. you never knew when she was gonna pop out with that evil smile and make you tea-party with her rabbit or something.

then suddenly, i was stalking the perimeter of my house with a head boy and a random guy, and when i peep into one of the windows (of my own house), sam's having a sleepover with the mel, sta, joy, tiff, jess, esther etc etc. i felt rejected.

and suddenly, we see a fire behind the mosque opposite our house, and our back gate is open wide for some reason, and a lorry comes in carrying michelle rodriguez, heading a team of armed guerrilas. and my family, and lots of my friends (from over here), are suddenly in the driveway of my house.

somebody says "i hope you have your mykad with you"

i'm at the back of my house, and while i'm groping inside my gigantic mimco bag for my wallet to find my mykad (which, in real life, isn't actually in my wallet), the guerrilas somehow don't find me. the two random guys disappeared rather quickly. everyone else is lined up in my driveway.

there is shooting.

from where i am (behind the house), i somehow see through to the front of the house, and see only one line of people left standing out there. just as the guerillas are about to leave, my mother starts crying, and i know it's because she doesn't know where i am, and she is about to ask them if they shot me.

i decide that if she does that, they'll shoot her. so i pop out with my mykad and say "here i am."
michelle rodriguez looks at my mykad, then says "well, looks like someone else will have to go since this little girl came out late".
then she shoots some random auntie (that i don't actually know).

someone says "OMG that's auntie jennifer."
i think: "they shot someone cause of me!!", then "omg... auntie jennifer!" and then i think "who?"

i later find out that it was some sort of thing to do with population control.

then i wake up.

joy and sam were in the line. the rest i don't remember.

but i know melissa was there at the start of the dream.
she wasn't there at the end.

//cry


here ends the story of my make-me-more-tired-when-i-wake-up nap.
thank God it was just a dream. really. really really. thank God ><

i do not have a big head.

i just don't.
:\

numbers and linings

65 days till it's all over
55 days till it really begins
48 days till graduation
13 days before study break
10 proper schooling days, total
1 day till mocks.

it's okay, 134 days till kampua :)

wanting simple

I'm well aware that everything
Is a far cry from all right
I'm well aware that all of us
Can at times, be too uptight
And possibly, the remedy
Is a dose of apathy
You point your finger at you
I'll point mine right back at me

Relient K, Apathetic Way To Be

Mr. Leong is 19

19 years ago, the world met Andrew.

But it wasn't ready.

It still isn't.

The world is not ready for the phenomenon that is,
Mr. Andrew Leong.



And judging by that picture, I don't think it ever will be.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY
to my favourite taller-than-me, definitely dark, and handsomer-than-thou Leong cousin.

Big hearts.
I'm still trying to figure out why it's "like that la".

what would you do if i took those words away?

my friend just sent me some music that he wrote a while ago. it's only the music; a few chords thrown together; vary, and repeat.

there are no words to go with it.

and it strikes me that sometimes, you do not need the words. for all the emphasis we put on communication through speech, writing, and print, there are things that you just can't express with words,
some feelings, thoughts, experiences, moments where words are just inadequate, almost ridiculous in their inability to do justice to the immensity of the moment.

sometimes, all you have to do is sit and listen,
or take someone's hand,
or run around the backyard a few times,
scream with the wind,
close your eyes,
dance in the rain,
soak up the sun,
open your heart,
capture a smile,
remember a laugh,

and just be silent.

because sometimes, it's more than words could ever say.

It's almost 1:30 and I'm still up because I fail to "save as I work".

And Murphy's Law strikes again.

Tonight has not been my night.


[edit]
i feel so frustrated now because you think that this is the kind of thing that people make up as an excuse when they haven't completed their assignment. it never occurs to you that you could spend all that time painstakingly making up results for experiments you haven't done, which is actually harder than actually having DONE the stupid thing, and then you finish... you hit SAVE and microsoft word decides to do quite the opposite.
And what's worse is that you know you SHOULD HAVE saved as you went along. now all i have left is one third of my report, which is theory that i summarised from my textbook anyway.
fantastic.