all my buts and maybes.

i don't even bother to explain anymore because no matter how i try, it'll sound like an excuse.

old promises made, agreements set down are made nothing by this slight.

pride doesn't leave room for negotiation and it becomes a matter of getting past limitations of communication. in more ways than one.

lack of expression, lack of response; a wall, a barrier to prevent words that we know will be wished back later.

comparisons, motivation, expectation. try idontgiveashit.

it hurts on both sides. no losses.

but no wins.

little girl fancies

am currently stuck on my G&T EPW on vectors so i am opting for the ever available, ever welcoming vice of procrastination.

vice (noun)
1) evil, esp. grossly immoral, habit or conduct;
2) bad habit;
3) particular form of depravity;
4) defect, blemish.

PROCRASTINATION IS WRONG!! i am an example of what procrastination can do to you. my previous G&T EPW was a totaly fail [8/24 anybody?], and if you're big on achieving high, procrastinating is not a good way to go. learn by example, preferably other people's.

so i was trying to figure out how i got an equation so perfect that it totally cancels out on both sides and i essentially have nothing left to work with...

-a + b = -ha + ha + b - a -kb +kb

when *deng deng deng* i spaced out. and i suddenly remember something totally random.

it was a little classroom incident from when i was in kindergarten. we all know that little kids can be very honest [*coughuntactfulcough*] and very, very shameless, right? well, when i was 5 or 6, there was this boy in my class that a lot of girls liked [to this day i do not understand why]. it just happened that he was a good friend of mine [the kind where your mother knows his mother and sometimes you go over to their house and play with the really noisy remote control car and eat all their food].

for illustration purposes, let's call the boy bob tan ki bum.

anyway, bob was apparently the hot stuff in our class, and probably his most notable admirer was this girl called ana. she had a cousin called abbie, also in our class [she probably liked him too, i forget]. anyway, ana and i didn't always get along because, well, it's self explanatory. i remember sometimes we were friends, and suddenly when bob comes along the good ol' "i don't friend you anymore" is pulled out.

but that's another story. just now, i remembered there was once the teacher left the classroom for a little while and what was a subdued bunch of children suddenly became a pack of rabid demons. in the midst of all this, ana suddenly got up onto one of the tables and yelled for everyone to be quiet.

then she screamed at us "BOB TAN KI BUM IS THE SMARTEST AND HANDSOMEST BOY IN THIS CLASS" and she turned slowly around the classroom, looking down on us and waggling her finger as if daring us to oppose her. there was a short silence, like everyone was too stunned to speak for a while.

then we all went rabid again.

because we have attention spans of about three seconds.

i do not think she would like to be reminded of this incident XD.

just wanna be a little bit less

this post was not constructed to offend. if you have an issue with it, that's your prerogative. just like this opinion is mine.


a conversation i had on msn yesterday.

hideki: i'm gonna tell you sumfink. this may change the way you look at me. i.. i... i.. weighed myself on some scales at target and.. and... my home scale is TOTALLY WRONG.
me: err... okay. how do you know the scale at target isn't wrong?
hideki: cause i used two.

which made me think. why is body weight [or mass, for the anal] SUCH a big deal with people?

is how much a person weighs really of such great consequence? i'm not even talking about people being overweight or obese here because that's more of a health issue, and i'm talking about a social/psychological issue.

me: so how off is your home scale?
*btw, his home scale usually says he weighs 49kg, which is really really light for a guy*
hideki: a lot. i'm 43 kgs!!!
me: shit.
hideki: nah, just joking. i'm more than 49. TT i'm fat.

hmm... since when is 49 kg fat for ANYBODY our age? unless you're only 4'8" or something, in which case, i beg your forgiveness.

me: so you weigh what, 50 now?
hideki: no. pschh.. one kilo. you can't call me skinny anymore.
me: 51? that's not fat.
hideki: no, it's a lot more. like, 3000g more.
me: can you just tell me outright how much you weigh?!?
hideki: i'm 54 kg *does crying thing*
me: -__________- i'm pretty sure you're still alright.

maybe it's just me, but isn't 54 kg for a 16 year old male [albeit a kinda short one] ok? maybe even on the skinny side? we spent time in year 8 health class taking everybody's height and weight so that we could calculate our BMIs [body mass index]. and not one person in our class was overweight, if anything, people were underweight.

but still, people all around me keep saying they're fat, or they need to lose weight, or they need to start dieting to get to the size they want. one of my friends, at fifteen years of age, went on the Jenny Craig program because she thought she was fat. yeah, she had put on a bit of weight, but she was nowhere near FAT. just because she weighed more than she used to. she did end up losing all the weight she'd put on, but only because the food she got from Jenny Craig was in really small portions. really, i can eat three times what she had for lunch and still have room for dessert.

we're 16. we're supposed to be growing. we can't compare our weight now to how much we were when we were 13. that's... just... odd. it's like saying "i'm so fat. i'm 45 kg now. when i was 8 i was only 25."

to satisfy my in-built busybody-ness, i asked a few people how they saw themselves. the two girls i asked said that they saw their weight as around average. going well, right? but one said she felt that it would be good if she was a little thinner. she actually felt that she NEEDED to be a little thinner. the other girl said

"i lyk to b thin so i can eat as much as i want to and not get fat. i think i'm normal"

but if you eat as much as you want to when you're thin, how do you draw the line for when you become "fat"?

"when my stomach is bulging"

ha ha. right. that happens to most people after every meal.

provided, that is, you actually eat a proper meal.

just so you all don't say i'm biased, i asked a couple of guys how they saw themselves as well. both saw themselves as having a healthy weight. one of them said he didn't need to lose weight, but he'd like to tone up XD but that's another story altogether.

some of my friends seem to have a semi-obsession with weight. what gets me is, it's all about the figure on the scale. they look and feel fine but the weighing scale doesn't have a nice rounded number like 40. hello? 50 is a nice rounded number too!! one friend once told me that she weighed herself everyday. every. single. day. [sorry to the people who do this] then other people went "yeah, i do that too." i was kinda baffled as to why because it's not like you're gonna put on 20kg overnight or something. one girl said she weighed herself three times a day. words do that no justice.

i don't have weighing scales at home. the household i live in has never ever owned a weighing scale. as a result, i've never thought about how much i weigh as being a big issue. it will not bother you if you just don't step on the scales. trust me, if you are getting really fat, SOMEBODY WILL TELL YOU. in my case, it's jane ["ohmygosh kim. did you get FATTER?"]. and ignore the stupid boys or bitchy girls who walk past and call you fat because they're probably just jealous of your curves.

and it takes being VERY VERY heavy to become obese. moey worked out, for example, that for me to become overweight - just overweight, not even obese - i'd have to be around 62 kilos. for me to be obese, i'd have to be 77kg. that's more than my six foot tall cousin weighs.

it's the people around you that say you have to look a certain way. it's in your friends who are thinner than you, those skinny girls on home and away, myer catalogues, the weirdly shaped manequins they use in clothing shops. but is it better to be thin? chubby people can be hot too, ok. there was an era where fleshy was nice. and it used to be in china that the fatter you were, the more beautiful you were considered.

now don't go out and immediately get fat la all of you [like anyone would anyway].

but just keep in mind. finding out that you're a little bit heavier, is not a good reason to start an eating disorder. or an exercise disorder.

it just means there's more of you to love.

for someone who wouldn't know it

[edit] 18/4/2007 1:37 a.m. people have been coming to me after reading this post and asking me whether or not i like the person mentioned as more than a friend. that kinda spoils the ideal, don't you think? so before more people ask, no, i do not have a crush on this person. the relationship is purely platonic, ok?


it's amazing how some people can be so selfless.

and at the same time, so stubborn.

someone recently told me that a friend of mine has been going through a few difficult things in her life. i already had a feeling about this, but he gave me the specifics and expressed his concern for her. and man, that concern.. you can tell it's really eating him up inside.

what he didn't mention, however, was that he had his own worries and stresses much closer to home. he's got his own stuff to worry about - and this is real stuff, not some stupid mid-term - but he's still worrying about somebody else. worrying about how she's feeling on top of all his own things.

and every time i talk to him, he still gives me a huge smile, tells me everything's going well in his life, because he's just that type of person. he truly sees the sunny side in every broken up yolk.

he'll assure me that he's doing brilliantly, then ask me how i'm doing. and no matter what i tell him, he'll say something encouraging; whenever i happen to be down, he'll cheer me up again. and you know what? it always works. he tells me sometimes that he feels really bad for his friend who has a particular problem and has confided in him, and you can see how much he cares in the way he talks about it.

he is one of the few people in this world that i will say nice things to directly. because say it any other way and his modesty and humility will get in the way. spell out his good traits for him and he'll blatantly deny them - he'll say you lie. he's just like that. and his selfless-ness will never let him talk about him so somehow he's always solving your problems for you.

where can you find a friend like that?

i'm not sure if you know who you are, because it would be just like you to think "wow, what a great person. wish i could be more like him". cause things like this just fly over your head. but for what it's worth, there's a lot of people out there who have more than just a little to thank you for.

you're really something, you know that?

one of THOSE posts

do you ever get those days where you don't do anything in particular, but at the end of it, you feel as if you've had a really great day anyway?

today was surprisingly pleasant for me. this is not to say that most of my days are crap, but today left me with a lovely feeling inside. it rained... and i like rain. mebbe that's part of it.

i found out that the amount of attention i pay to sunday service is inversely proportional to the how bored sean gets. two weeks now he's sat next to me and two weeks he has amused me with his fingers [he does weird things with them. one of them is cacat].

today he told me yo mama jokes. don't ask me how one second uncle james lee was talking about vacuum cleaners and the next thing sean starts giggling and tells me some dirty yo mama joke. and you people think I'M weird?

there's a new baby in church and it has really fat cheeks. it's quite cute, and frowns a lot. at me. all the time. it scares me. babies are the most distracting things in church. there are so many of them.

sam went to a party with kavan and alan right after church [yes, i am well aware of how dodgy that sounds] and you know, people just love making comments about my lack of social life. thank you very much. but it's that lack of life that keeps this blog updated... so watch it.

but here's the fun part. the cousins sent me all the way home, and i opened the car door to get out, was halfway out before i pulled myself back in and closed the door.

"i don't have house keys."

followed by a short silence.

"shit."

the ARE YOU SERIOUS?s and WHY NOTs followed after that. but they had no choice but to take me back to their place. i spent most of my afternoon in jane's room watching video clips and variety shows with her. we've fallen in love with some random korean little boy we saw in one clip. i'm not kidding when i say he is the most adorable thing we have ever seen. one guy from a band kissed him, and we were giggling over how ten years from now, the little boy will say "err... my first kiss was from a guy, from a boy band, on national television". priceless.

i then took a nap. it was a nice nap. until andrew barged into the room. and totally failed to see me sleeping. i dont understand how.

then i stood around while jane made dinner. it was actually really nice. pork ribs in char sieu sauce. courtesy of lee kum kee XD. then we watched more clips until i left.

i dunno. it wasn't an exciting day at all. but i have a really nice, warm feeling about spending a day like that. just staying at home and living around each other.

it feels nice to have a home.




[edit] moey is da bomb

when i can see my double spacing

this is scotchkey's 200th post.

i have nothing much to say, really.

but i'm thinking... 200 posts... do i really have that much to talk about, or do i just like to talk/write. i can tell you my life isn't exactly exciting, so i'm not thinking it's the former.

i guess... i've realized that a lot of times it's a lot easier for me to express myself in writing. it's so weird because most of the time, i THINK in writing. it's hard to explain because i don't know how anybody else thinks, but when i think, i automatically put it into sentences, paragraphs, CHAPTERS. and i only realized this a couple of nights ago.

and maybe this makes me weird. i don't consciously go "eeyore goes in paragraph three of chapter donkey". i just reword all the jagged thought pieces into sentences. then i leave a double spacing before moving on to the next idea. i can VISUALIZE the double spacing.

which makes me wonder how come when people ask me questions, i still can't answer in proper sentences.

crisis averted

i cleaned my room today.

it took ages.

because this is what it looked like before.


btw, these pictures were taken halfway through my cleaning process [because i found it so ridiculous], and so try to imagine what it looked like before i started cleaning.


my mom's room is at the front of the house while mine and sam's are at the back. mom feels lonely sleeping alone at the front, so she's been sleeping in my room. which explains the extra mattress.



my point is, ONLY HALF THIS MESS IS MINE!!! the other half belongs to her. and i had to shift my furniture around in order to accommodate the extra mattress. she brought the catalogs and coles magazines in, her bedding is on the floor [i did offer her my bed, but she liked the floor better], and is that a PLACEMAT?!?!?!?

but after hours and hours of tidying this sty by myself, and with a little help from the good ol' bloody expensive Dyson, i managed to turn what was a little sh*t of a hole into something that is somewhat livable.

nothing on the floor!!

i think if i'd left off cleaning for another week, my room would have been cordoned off and declared a danger zone; no entry unless dressed in full astronaut costume.

i finally have desk space again *sobs*.
can you spot the tim tams?

and ohmygosh... when was the last time i saw so much carpet?

TMNT

i went to watch teenage mutant ninja turtles, the movie, last night.

the original cartoon was way before my time, but i remember watching it on astro when i was a little kid. and i loved it XD.

so they're back; leaner, meaner, and in 3-D!!!


this movie was well done, i thought. they didn't bring in the original bad guy [shredder? stretcher? smeller?], but the other characters were there. i totally don't remember casey and april o'connor, and the foot soldiers don't ring a bell in my memory at all.

the only thing i remember clearly is michaelangelo eating pizza. another thing is that THE TURTLES USED TO BE FAT. well, not fat. but definitely chubby. it's not the same to have skinny turtles with bulging muscles. sigh.

the movie focuses a lot on the brotherly bonds of the turtles. sure, there's action and the bad guys get their butts kicked, but the main theme is the teamwork between the turtles [although we remarked afterwards "how come we didn't see them fighting TOGETHER?"]

but there were action scenes in there that i really liked. you can tell the CG nerds behind this one really had a lot of fun putting it together. i really liked the little bit where mikey skateboarded his way through the underground sewers, and my favourite fight was the one between raph and leo [might have spoilt this for some of you].



raphael, leonardo, michaelangelo and donnatello in their 3-dimensional glory.

cheng loon has this theory that michaelangelo might be an illegitimate child because his eyes are different from the others. while raph, don and leo have slit-ish eyes, mikey has round-ish ones... AND he has blue eyes!!!

rick was saying before the movie started how which turtle you liked best says a lot about the kind of person you are. you see, leo's the perfectionist, the leader; don's the smart geeky one; mikey's the playful idiot; and raph's the mega buff hothead. rick's theory is beautifully demonstrated by the fact that he liked leo, jane liked don, and i liked mikey [after watching this movie through eyes 8 years older, i still like mikey].

if you think you've outgrown the turtle fandom that gripped you as a little kid, you're probably right. but i reckon this movie is still worth watching. entertainment value. and mikey gets the dumbest lines XD.

arnotts, nabisco, they're out to get me!

this is what currently lives in my room.


it's family members [previous tenants] have included tim tam classic dark, tim tam latte, and tim tam tia maria. and they are oh-so-good with milk.



and this is tim tam original's room mate, oreo wafer sticks. together, they are on a mission to give kim diabetes.

i've realized there is nothing worse than having food like this in your room. when i'm watching stuff on screen, when i'm doing work, when i'm just chatting, i will munch on them consistently. and you think if you eat slowly you won't eat as much of it. but you're wrong. because you're slow and steady, and when you spend as much time in front of the computer as i do, that accounts for a lot of food going down that greedy gullet of yours.

even now, i'm steadily finishing off the jars of macadamia nuts and cashew nuts in my room. so heaty, so bad for me.

so i'm saying this to help you. because i really don't want you all to suffer the temptation that i do. i don't want anyone else going through the pain of eating tim tam after tim tam knowing that you're building up that blood sugar.

do not let arnott's take over the table space in your room!!

it's a curse

happy easter. Jesus is alive. got given a pink pamphlet proclaiming this last night when we were walking in the city. this morning i used it to wrap up the tissue i used to blow my nose. but you know what? it doesn't matter. because Jesus is alive. and all is well.

we were given eggs today at church. i dont like eggs, and i tried to give mine away to sean (i quote "i like eggs. *3 seconds later* i like eggs") but he wouldn't have it so i tried giving it to rick, who wouldn't have it either. later on, rick comes back to me and tells me that melissa [short girl in church] doesn't like eggs either.

"do you see some correlation between eating eggs and... height?"

like i couldn't see that coming.

was talking to my mum today when she mumbled something that went

"live on......... so on...."

whereby i said

"err... you do realize that doesn't make sense?"

and she replies

"why do i make any sense.... eh? i am mummy!!"

no joke. word for word.

and just then she started making some noise in my room. i looked up and she didn't say anything. it took a while for me to realize that she was trying to get me to notice that i was wearing my pig pyjama top, and she was wearing the bottoms.

i tell you, if anybody in the world is more random than me, it's my mother.